Before I met you I was shy and unconfident. I was the type of person that would look at the floor passing people in hallways. I would try to say “hi” but it would come out as a whisper. I would wait in my car until my friends showed up to where we were going. And I dated the type of boys that hadn’t done much growing.
I don’t even recognize the person I was before heartbreak. She was weak and she was way better than she thought she was. She was embarrassed of being smart, and didn’t understand why it’s a good thing to stand out. She had a lot of words in her heart but she was too afraid to let them out. She was innocently naïve.
She wasn’t me.
This is probably why you gave up so quickly into meeting me because I was so taken aback by you that sentences wouldn’t form. You tried more times than anyone else ever had but when you gave up I thought of everything I wished I had said. Somehow you still found your way to me – the rest of that story is history.
Now I am without you. I am the aftermath of you. The real me, is the sparkling parts that fill the breaks of my heart that heartbreak left behind. The real me, is the endless words I spilled out calling for reprieve from the ache in my soul that you made bleed. The real me, is someone brave enough to look life in the eye and to finally speak.
I don’t want to give the heartbreak credit for everything. It’s not as if heartbreak made me who I am, but it truly molded me into who I was meant to be. I was meant to love you only so you could break me. Only while I was completely broken apart would I find what I was meant to see. I am far better after putting together the pieces because I finally had to acknowledge every little part of me.
Before I met you I would settle for things. I would be okay with ordinary and shy away from extraordinary. I would let people talk down to me and worry about being perceived a certain way. I would forgive with half of an apology and grovel for things that were someone else’s fault. I had a very full heart, but I had a ghost of a backbone.
It made me understand what love was. It made me wrap the idea around my head all the way to my heart until it completely constricted me from breathing. Then when you let go of me I finally had to breathe alone to see what it was like to love myself and no one else. When you let go of me I realized I could survive without you.
Heartbreak made me realize what it’s like to be loved and to be treated like someone who mattered.
I wasn’t just an excuse, or a hobby. I was your somebody – even if it was for a little while. You made me feel like I was on top of the world even if you eventually pushed me off of it. That’s the price one pays with heartbreak, but luckily when I fell into the sea of despair I taught myself to swim circles around the pain.
So, no, it didn’t teach me everything, but it sure as hell taught me a lot. It taught me what it’s like to fight, and what I should be fighting for. It taught me what Saturday afternoons in love should be like. It taught me what midnights should feel like. And it taught me what waking up should be like – a living, breathing dream.
Regardless of how we ended and the mess that I became, you really did a number on me. I am someone completely different and this is exactly who I was meant to be. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer fearful of the magic I’ve had and now I want to share it with everyone.
I am no longer timid or afraid of crowds. I no longer feel awkward about smiling or about being alone. Hell, if it wasn’t for heartbreak I would’ve never found my muse to reignite the passion behind writing these words. If it wasn’t for heartbreak, I wouldn’t have moved to where I now call home.
Without that move I wouldn’t have the friends I have, the life I have, the adventures and stories I’ve had. I’m not quite sure what I would’ve had without heartbreak, but I’m sure grateful that I do. So, thank you. Thank you for influencing me in the worst way by catastrophically breaking me so I could finally see the magic in me.
I don’t even recognize the girl I was when I met you. But now I wonder, who would you have loved more?