I am as hopeless as a hopeless romantic gets. I’m a chaotic mess of anxiety and optimism. I over think everything from what creamer to try to what I’m doing with my life at 24.
I can find beauty in being stuck in the rain and being stuck in traffic. Yet I can’t stand being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t make my heart explode, or being stuck between cheeses at Whole Foods. I am overly sappy and the girl who smiles when she makes someone cry from a birthday card. I’m the girl who all the cheesiest romantic movies (that go straight to DVD) are based on.
Yet all these emotions that battle for room in my heart have made me stronger. Being sentimental and empathetic has made me wiser than I otherwise could be. I have my good days, my bad days, and then there are some filled with grey. I try to fill the grey ones with cat memes and the Lego’s “Everything Is Awesome” song.
I like to think that I’m filling the passport of my heart with adventure, and that by getting lost on purpose I’ll be filled with bliss instead of just the expected anxiety (because spontaneity is clearly not my thing).
I’m also the girl who has nothing figured out, but maybe sometimes seems like she does. It could just be my daily overdose of caffeine or the fact that I’m eternally daydreaming, but either way it’s been one hell of journey being single.
Sure there are days when I miss having a place in someone’s heart; but for now I’m focusing on not having to share a bed (except with my cat) and learning about my own heart before giving it away again. It’s been a quite the puzzle, and I honestly have to admit I’m probably (definitely) hard to love.
Basically because… I’m complicated as f*ck.
One moment I could be all in for something, and in one second I’m finding every indecisive excuse to get out of it. One day I could write something bold while feeling all empowered and then moments later crumble into the powerful world of “well, maybe” and “what if”.
I’m an anomaly. I’m a mess. I’m a little bit of everything, but with a heart on fire and naïve, wild dreams. I am single. Recently I’ve discovered that all of these things are okay (even the fact that I’m a serious failure when I try to flirt).
It’s okay that the lines of my palms are sometimes filled with mistakes, because there are successes that have shaped them along the way. It’s okay that I have no idea what I want, but could still fall in love at the drop of the hat on the sidewalk.
It’s okay that people think I’m a little crazy because I’m just that crazy about a love they may not believe in.
I will chase dreams but I will forget to sleep. I will walk a hundred miles but I’ll do it in the wrong direction. I’ll also do things right, and maybe sometimes they’re on accident… but I’m a rambling fault with good intentions.
I want to see the whole world, but sometimes I ignore the view from my own window. Sometimes I want love so much that I ignore it when it comes, push it when it leaves, mourn it when it is gone, and close my eyes when it’s forthcoming.
Well, that’s me. And for right now, this is the “me” I want to be – a little wild, a little naïve, a little sassier than I should be in my twenties.
I am proud of my dismantled traits that probably (for sure) make absolutely no sense. It’s been fun getting to know the girl – and becoming the woman – that someone will one day fall in love with. Because that’s the craziest part of all, you know.
Someone out there is going to fall for you and never let you go – and it’ll be because of all the things that don’t make sense. It’ll be because of the past that shaped you. It’ll be because they want to figure out how you could be the biggest irony they ever knew.
So be you, stay you, and for God sakes don’t change you. Embrace the weird, the awkward, the clumsy, the sane and the insane. Take pride in the triumphs, smile extra bright, and take care of your foolish little heart.