My guest post originally published on The Fickle Heartbeat:
I miss you sometimes. I can admit it to the world but I can’t seem to admit it to you. I’ve managed to go through a month and a half without any contact. In that time, I’ve gotten closer to reaching my dreams, I traveled to another continent, and another boy managed to make me laugh.
But still, I find that I miss you sometimes. Sometimes I’ll be driving while singing a song on the radio, and I’ll remember what your voice sounded like singing it, too. When I go to the grocery store and stare blankly at the shelves, I remember when you use to hug me from behind as we picked out our dinner.
To be honest, it kills me that I miss you. Because to be even more honest, I have cried less away from you than I did with you by my side. I have accomplished more for myself in these 6 months than I did the two years I knew you.
So it kills me that I could get this far without you and still turn my head back to look at what once was. I know there’s nothing there. I know the person I loved is so far gone no road could ever lead me to him. And yet, I miss you.
I miss the way I’d set my alarm early just to be awake to lay next to you, before having to leave for work. I miss the way you looked at me from the car window every time you picked me up – always in awe.
I miss the language we had that only we knew. With words and body language we communicated in a way that no one else understood. I could read you before you ever opened your mouth. But now the book is dusty on the shelf.
I miss the pure, solid, and relentless belief that we had in each other. Because at one point you would cry when you left for a week. Because at one point you didn’t think you could be any luckier. Because at many points you loved me, unconditionally.
So on nights like tonight when I lay in bed with my own company – I miss you. I spread out wide on the bed and wrap myself in the covers to try to fill the void. But I can’t rid the thought of your face kissing me goodnight.
I wish you knew how much this killed me. There will be days when I firmly believe breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me. The things I have accomplished and the places that I’ve seen… I could’ve never imagined these things with you.
Yet, when I was with you I imagined something entirely different. I imagined a life where we survived off of each other’s smiles. I imagined a life where we couldn’t bear not to touch. I imagined a life so imperfectly perfect and filled with you.
So tonight I’ll stare up at the moon wondering if I’ve crossed your mind lately. Wondering if you ever succumbed to looking through the box of things I left in your closet, or if they’re all long gone by now.
I beg the moon to speak. I beg him to hint to me whether you’re watching him, too. But my heart breaks more from the silence. And you and I both know how powerful silence can truly be – we fell in love in its mute wake.
I want you to know that I’m doing okay. I want you to know that I’m happy. I want you to know that I have never been more motivated and ambitious about my future. What I don’t want you to know is, sometimes I still miss you.