Falling Apart

Sometimes I Miss You

October 1, 2014
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My guest post originally published on The Fickle Heartbeat:

I miss you sometimes. I can admit it to the world but I can’t seem to admit it to you. I’ve managed to go through a month and a half without any contact. In that time, I’ve gotten closer to reaching my dreams, I traveled to another continent, and another boy managed to make me laugh.

But still, I find that I miss you sometimes. Sometimes I’ll be driving while singing a song on the radio, and I’ll remember what your voice sounded like singing it, too. When I go to the grocery store and stare blankly at the shelves, I remember when you use to hug me from behind as we picked out our dinner.

To be honest, it kills me that I miss you. Because to be even more honest, I have cried less away from you than I did with you by my side. I have accomplished more for myself in these 6 months than I did the two years I knew you.

So it kills me that I could get this far without you and still turn my head back to look at what once was. I know there’s nothing there. I know the person I loved is so far gone no road could ever lead me to him. And yet, I miss you.

I miss the way I’d set my alarm early just to be awake to lay next to you, before having to leave for work. I miss the way you looked at me from the car window every time you picked me up – always in awe.

I miss the language we had that only we knew. With words and body language we communicated in a way that no one else understood. I could read you before you ever opened your mouth. But now the book is dusty on the shelf.

I miss the pure, solid, and relentless belief that we had in each other. Because at one point you would cry when you left for a week. Because at one point you didn’t think you could be any luckier. Because at many points you loved me, unconditionally.

So on nights like tonight when I lay in bed with my own company – I miss you. I spread out wide on the bed and wrap myself in the covers to try to fill the void. But I can’t rid the thought of your face kissing me goodnight.

I wish you knew how much this killed me. There will be days when I firmly believe breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me. The things I have accomplished and the places that I’ve seen… I could’ve never imagined these things with you.

Yet, when I was with you I imagined something entirely different. I imagined a life where we survived off of each other’s smiles. I imagined a life where we couldn’t bear not to touch. I imagined a life so imperfectly perfect and filled with you.

So tonight I’ll stare up at the moon wondering if I’ve crossed your mind lately. Wondering if you ever succumbed to looking through the box of things I left in your closet, or if they’re all long gone by now.

I beg the moon to speak. I beg him to hint to me whether you’re watching him, too. But my heart breaks more from the silence. And you and I both know how powerful silence can truly be – we fell in love in its mute wake.

I want you to know that I’m doing okay. I want you to know that I’m happy. I want you to know that I have never been more motivated and ambitious about my future. What I don’t want you to know is, sometimes I still miss you.

25 Comments

  • Reply lillyjane96 October 1, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Reblogged this on A Word About My Life and commented:
    This is exactly how I feel.
    I shouldn’t miss you, but I do.
    I miss everything. But I don’t want you to know it.

  • Reply tellmesomethingbeautiful October 1, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Reblogged this on Tell Me Something Beautiful and commented:
    This broke my heart. Beautiful writing from Single Strides.

  • Reply tellmesomethingbeautiful October 1, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Almost made me cry. Well done.

  • Reply H.M. Brooks October 1, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    Yes, this is so beautiful. <3

  • Reply Kevin Tuazon October 3, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    This is really romantic, and honest (some days, you just miss that someone).

    • Reply Single Strides October 6, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      Thank you Kevin! I’m so glad you enjoyed the honesty.

  • Reply Ranjeet Mehta October 4, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Not sometimes, always I miss U at every moment!!

  • Reply Sam October 8, 2014 at 4:42 am

    So. So. SO good.

  • Reply no xtreme November 13, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    Hmm it srеms like your blog ate my first commеnt
    (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum itt սp what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I too am an aspirring blog wгiter but I’m still neԝ to
    the whole thing. Do you have anyy tip for firѕt-time blog writers?
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  • Reply deraallison November 20, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    I love the honesty. So amazing

  • Reply mistyhues November 23, 2014 at 10:24 am

    I haven’t been in a relationship before but this totally broke my heart. You have the ability to captivate and move audiences and make the unfeeling feel (:

    • Reply Single Strides November 24, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Thank you so much. It makes me happy to know that my writing has the ability to do that 🙂

  • Reply Gayle March 26, 2015 at 2:33 am

    Hi Sonya. I love your writing. I’ve felt all the emotions you’ve mentioned on this post. It’s like you took the words right out of my heart. Thanks for putting together such a beautiful piece. We only have each other, us broken hearted gals. You’ve picked up a new avid reader.

    • Reply Single Strides March 26, 2015 at 12:17 pm

      Hi Gayle! Happy to have you as a reader, and thank you so much for your kind words. It’s always my goal to make my writing relatable and it seems you got the tug on the heartstrings I was looking for 🙂

      • Reply gayleandaya March 26, 2015 at 12:51 pm

        Have you moved on so far? It’s hard to let go of memories. I can’t bring myself to get romantically involved again and have decided to stay alone to focus on myself. I see that you’ve traveled a lot. I’m an escapee, too. I find myself running off somewhere far away whenever I get hurt. It takes my mind off things and forces me to see happy, beautiful things instead of waiting and sulking and mourning in the same place I got my heart broken. I feel you share the same sentiments. LA is a favorite escape for me. I love the beaches and warm weather.

        • Reply Single Strides March 26, 2015 at 12:54 pm

          I escaped to LA just last year!! For awhile I was obsessed with leaving the city to get my mind off of him. Now I find myself looking for reasons to stay 🙂 so yes, I think I have moved on. Whether I am “healed”… well, I don’t think I ever will be, but I like that I’m broken. Broken people have stories, memories, and bigger dreams than those that haven’t had to repair themselves. You’ll get romantically involved again, just like I will, and we’ll be shocked by who it will be and how they will enter into our lives. Of this, I am sure; of when, I am not. But here’s to hoping we both get our happily ever afters 🙂

  • Reply Solano February 17, 2016 at 11:35 pm

    I’m a 25 year old guy. I just found myself reading your articles like a little girl in post traumatic heartbreak, trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Spent 6 years with her. We broke up after thanksgiving. I miss her everyday and I want to tell her. On some nights, I can almost feel her thinking about me. Your articles bring me comfort. Thank you.

  • Reply Maria March 2, 2017 at 1:20 am

    It was like I wrote this!!!…

    Beautiful!!.. I cried!!

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